On Handling Criticism

Receiving criticism with an appropriate reaction is key to self-improvement. Like many things, this too is learnable.

Learning to separate the work from self, knowing when to listen to intuition more, and having a (strange) ability to remove the delivery from the criticism from the truths it contains is a rare but useful combination of skills helpful in handling criticism.

Attachment of self (who you are) to work (what you do), or allowing identity to rely on how useful your are to others is unhelpful, if not detrimental.

Problems evolve, usefulness is subjective. Presented with a solution, what one needs, to another it’s an optionality, a fleeting desire. As soon as said usefulness is questioned, self-worth is questioned. This leads to different types of problems. Burnout is one of them.

Trust me, you do not want to burn out.

How can self and work be divorced?

By learning to see yourself from the eyes of someone who loves you. Love doesn’t hold reason as a prerequisite. People who love you, just love you. A simple exercise is to ask why they love your company. (Asking someone who loves you why they love you can sound narcissistic. You don’t want that. It’s a question difficult to respond to. How would you respond to, “hey, why do you love me?” I know I’d start by running away.)

Listening to the reasons why people love your company will give you plenty of starting points to help define yourself outside of what you do. It reminds you that Being precedes doing.

Every time I write and post, I am reminded of how much work I have to do to improve my writing skills. Writing has been a way of observing and shedding my previously-worse writer self to embrace a now-better writing self. This is because of two reasons:

1. Reading the writing in a different setting – after it is live and on a device different from the one I used to write it – detaches me from my work. Writing on a desktop, posting it, and then reading it from my phone makes me feel like I am reading just another essay. This way, the writing itself gives me feedback.
2. Having an accountability partner who sees my writings and gives me explicit feedback. This also happens after I post and detach myself from the writing I posted. I respect his logical, clear reasoning and look up to his discipline in doing work. You might want to subscribe to his substack.

One’s ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning is an underrated. In this case, reacting to feedback will have two components,

1. Intuition (understanding something) and
2. Judgement (making a decision based on said understanding) are two different tasks.

Intuition and judgement calls require sharpening through daily practice. Their combination is helpful in deciding when to ignore or accept feedback.

Creative work, especially writing is siloed and often a lonely pursuit. You may be able to set up an accountability group, join a writers’ club or even get others to write in the same coffeeshop as you do. The very practice of writing itself is a lonely pursuit. Only you are staring at a blinking cursor, trying to find the words and their perfect combination that’ll help you express your ideas in the best way possible.

Intuitively, you know the direction of your work. Feedback that doesn’t align with said direction, no matter how ‘right’ it may sound, will not be useful to you. In this case, you’ll have to ignore the feedback.

How can you discern?

A simple exercise is to ask yourself what you aim to do with your work. What is the intention? What is at the root? And why is reason x the root of your intention, and not reason y? Your answer should correspond the level of skill you’re at and output levels you would like to have.

I am writing as frequently as I can. I do this after realizing that it is a way to communicate, a way to produce, assemble, build, destroy. Through written words, nations have started wars, and stopped them. God has chosen to reveal Himself and His intention through the written word.

Wiring is the base skill for many other skills. Sales, audience building, marketing, and communication all take place through writing. Leaders move crowds through the speeches they read. Companies make into billions by writing to convince others to buy.

Writing can take many forms. You can take a long piece of writing and repurpose it as a short essay, a tweet, a podcast, a video, and more.

The reason I value writing even more is because it helps build clarity. Something magical about writing out your ideas on a piece of paper (or screen) frequently enough that you begin to see the gaps in your understanding of the world.

My intention to cultivate clarity. In posting my writing, I aim to get my ideas out there and find those that resonate with said ideas. Being an introvert, I expressing myself through words, posting it somewhere and see who I find that resonates with it is important to me.

Posting helps me test my ideas. Reactions to ideas – or lack thereof – are datapoints that help me understand how my ideas are interpreted.

I do not write to persuade. That is not the end or the means. I write to find gaps in knowledge and skills in the ideas I choose to pursue and express.

I write to practice writing. Only way to grow a skill is by practicing the skill and notice the gaps. Only way to fill the gaps is by practicing more.

The aim I’ve set for my practice forms a foundational understanding for gauging whether a feedback is helpful. As soon as feedback arrives, it’s easy to discern which pieces of given feedback are useful in improving the skill at different time horizons.

Sometimes, feedback can be delivered in a nasty package. Mean spirited people can give the most despicable feedback that’s difficult to approach, let alone unpack. Sometimes, the feedback belittles the receiver. Other times, the feedback crushes the value of the work in its entirety.

The ability to remove the delivery from the feedback does not come easy. One can’t help but become emotionally invested in what they create. Demeaning the creator or the creation can bring out worse reactions.

How can you dissociate?

Assume there is some truth in the feedback. While a lot of delivery of feedback carries with it a projection of self, the feedback itself carries some truth. Focus on extracting the truth.

A simple exercise is to write it down again. Whether the feedback was visual, or auditory, in your own language write down exactly what you understood from it. This makes it easier as you’ve began to digest the feedback.

Ask questions that help you find objective truths about yourself or your work in the feedback. Give these questions to yourself, and those that know you intimately and are honest with you. You may or may not like the answers, but they will help you capture the objective truth of your skills and yourself.