Burning Out
He keeps telling himself to maintain. To not let his fiery passions consume him. He keeps telling himself to remain on fire without being consumed.
But he simply refuses to listen.
He keeps burning, like a candle, with his light diminishing the darkness around him. He keeps giving himself to the fire, believing he’s giving more light. He kept forgetting he is made of wax. Letting himself be consumed.
He is now an empty cocoon, nature edging to decide whether he is useful buried in the ground or left out in the open, waiting for a pig’s feet to crush him.
Why do I let my passions consume me into oblivion when, besides God, I am the only one I have?
The answers lie in the question.
I let my passions consume me.
He’s been allowing his desires to move his eyes away from God and to the world. We’re all programmed to want more. Human endeavor is reaching higher highs because we want more. We want to excel, beat the competition, conquer more, live longer, earn more, do more, explore more.
If a pursuer doesn’t tend to their mind often, the pursuit of more slowly begins to outweigh the value of the pursuer. The pursuer either values the importance of the pursuit more or the importance of self less.
He slowly became indifferent to himself, his well-being, and the way he spent his time. He looked away from himself and his Sustenance. He let his passion run amuck.
besides God
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not lack.”
“God is the only provision I need,” he said to himself in quite desperation, “a kind of provision that needn’t company. A provision that overflows.”
Yet, in a moment of dissatisfaction, he found myself searching for something, or someone BESIDES God.
The search itself carries hints of his own comprehension of God and His provision. Piecing together these hints requires observation without judgement. Examining life with a mind filled with reminders that weaken the strongholds of “perfection”.
I am the only one I have
Growing up alone bred in him a relentless pursuit of perfection, a genuine enjoyment of boredom, and a mind that wanders – off into the world, or away from matters at hand. Presence was a rare commodity.
Removing reliance on others became a practice of discerning transactional relationships, and genuine ones. To him, being precedes value.
Growing up alone gave him a vague sense of time and a forgetfulness of one’s finite existence. Equipping him with a sense of naive presence. “I can light this whole room,” he keeps telling himself, ”I’ll then see what’s around me. Others will too!”
He kept burning. Staring into the darkness hoping his light will help him – and the others – see. But the room was too big for one candle’s light. The others did not care to see what’s around them.
Darkness began to conquer the room slowly. He ran out of wax, and the room was engulfed by darkness. It blinded him.
A relentless pursuit of more while disregarding God’s work. That’s why he was burning out. That’s why the room went dark. That’s what blinded him. That’s what diminished his work.